I am in denial. You know, denial, defined as "refusal to admit the truth or reality." That's definitely me. I am in the process of leaving my first real job, selling my first house, preparing for a marathon, and moving to a new city. I am excited, but I am also pretty sure that I am in denial. When the opportunity for this new job arose, David and I spent many nights discussing the pros and cons of packing up and leaving Amarillo. I am overwhelmed with all the wonderful things in my life in Amarillo - great friends, a wonderful home, and great memories. I know that we will eventually find all of those things in Fort Worth, but the reality of starting over is pretty scary. I have been really surprised that I have not cried much over the past few weeks, but the reality of what I am about to do is definitely hard to face right now. Three months ago, I was content working away in my job of three years, living in my house, and training for the marathon. The reservations for the marathon trip have been made for months. I had visions of the flight home on Sunday after the marathon, full of pride for accomplishing a huge goal in my life, and showing up at work the following Monday to share the news of my accomplishment with my co-workers who have supported and sponsored me in my training. Now the race is 37 days away, and by the time it arrives, I will have worked in Fort Worth for three weeks. I will have been away from my house for three weeks, I will have been away from good friends for three weeks. Even as I type these things, I do not truly believe that they are happening. With all the craziness in my life, denial is the only thing getting me through. Without denial, I might not run my miles this weekend because I would be so worried about everything else that is going on in my life. Without denial, I would probably be at home in bed crying about having to leave my good friend Mindi. Being "in denial" has such a negative connotation, but I honestly believe it is what is getting me through my days at this point. I know at some point I will cross over to sadness, but for now, I am content in this delusional emotional state.
Farewell (For Now At Least)
15 years ago
4 comments:
Denial, my friend, is a defense mechanism, one you're employing rather successfully right now. Eventually you'll move to acceptance, but it's okay to stay in denial awhile. It's just your way of easing into it.
You have a lot of great things to look forward to, but you're also leaving a lot of great things behind. So it's only natural that you'd feel some sadness about that and want to preempt those emotions with denial (God forbid you be vulnerable!!). Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some time to adjust and by all means, enjoy these last few weeks. Remember: you are not closing the door on a chapter of your life, you're just going through a new one. We are all still here supporting you! Hang in there, friend.
Sadly, this is life. I've been there, Mindi's been there, most people have been there. That doesn't make it any easier, I know. However, I know for a fact that you work well under pressure!
Love you!
Update on my denial - it is still going strong. We went to Fort Worth, rented an apartment, and I am still acting like my life is not about to change dramatically...
Oh, good! I'm rather enjoying pretending you'll be here forever!
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